Strap on your expandable sweatpants and get ready to grow the glory of your Freedom Gut like a REAL American! Find out how to flaunt your Independence with true American flair! Now pay attention! Or don’t. It’s a free country.
This parody video is best watched (vs read) for the gully glory and snark of delivery (plus I made some pretty awesome animations onscreen that would be a shame to miss).
The transcript is available below along with additional (and snark-free) commentary on the message behind the humor. Enjoy!
Today I’m gonna teach you how to celebrate freedom like a real American. [tweet this] So pay attention! Or don’t. It’s a free country.
(That was lesson number one…you’re welcome.)
Welcome to a vegan nugget so American it’s busting out of its bite size britches – ‘cause you ain’t free till you’ve exercised your right to grow the glory of your freedom gut through at least one pair of pants!
★ AMERICA! ★
(That was another lesson. Try to keep up.)
Today is the 4th of July. Or the day I’m posting this video is the 4th. But it doesn’t matter when you watch it cause freedom means not having to be accurate, consistent, or timely!
(That one was a freebie.)
The 4th is the day America celebrates our independence from foreign tyranny. The day our forefathers declared that “all men are created equal” expect of course “the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.”
‘Cause it don’t matter who’s been living on the top of the mountain. It’s the man who climbs that thing and plants the flag that can be named the victor!
I just made that up. That’s a lesson in the freedom to sound smart as hell!
And anyway, we still honor the Indians with our football teams and casinos and our annual “day of thanks for the corn and stuff“, which also involves more football, so that’s basically all about them.
Ya see, freedom means you can change your mind anytime and admit if you were wrong and make up for it. Like that slavery bit. They fixed that too…almost 90 years later…
But the most American way to declare your independence and revel in your freedom is with a big-ol-‘Merican-BBQ! Serve on up some burgers and sausage, some ribs and wings, mountain of chips and dip, and a couple gallons of ice cream to eat while you blow crap up in the sky! [tweet this]
Nothing says independence like obliterating the rights of others!
Nothing declares equality like deciding who lives and who dies based on how they look!
Nothing displays family values like bonding over the spoils of another family’s complete destruction!
And nothing says America like affording more rights to your taste buds than living, breathing beings!
Obviously—I would hope—this video is a satirical take on the hypocritical celebration of freedom carried out over the carcasses of enslaved beings in honor of the Declaration of Independence made upon the genocide and subjugation of a native people and the ongoing enslavement of an entire race.
In his iconic speech delivered on July 5, 1852, escaped enslaved person Frederick Douglas said,
“What, to the American slave, is your 4th of July? I answer: a day that reveals to him, more than all other days in the year, the gross injustice and cruelty to which he is the constant victim. To him, your celebration is a sham; your boasted liberty, an unholy license; your national greatness, swelling vanity; your sounds of rejoicing are empty and heartless; your denunciations of tyrants, brass fronted impudence; your shouts of liberty and equality, hollow mockery; your prayers and hymns, your sermons and thanksgivings, with all your religious parade, and solemnity, are, to him, mere bombast, fraud, deception, impiety, and hypocrisy — a thin veil to cover up crimes which would disgrace a nation of savages. There is not a nation on the earth guilty of practices, more shocking and bloody, than are the people of these United States, at this very hour.”
And equally fitting are Douglas’ words:
“There is no denying that slavery had a direct and positive tendency to produce coarseness and brutality in the treatment of animals, especially those most useful to agricultural industry. Not only the slave but the horse, the ox and the mule shared the general feel of indifference to the right naturally engendered by a state of slavery. The master blamed the overseer, the overseer the slave, and the slave the horses, oxen, and mules, and violence fell upon the animals as a consequence.”
Don’t let the levity of this video’s presentation fool you—these issues are incomprehensibly complex. I’ve explored the truth about Thanksgiving more in-depth in this video and will be addressing many of the other concepts within this satire in later videos, including the incredibly controversial comparison of human and animal slavery. Such a delicate topic deserves a rigorously researched and prepared approach.
And while this video focused on America, which admittedly presents itself as a rather easy target, it’s important to note that this is a global issue. See this speech here for more information on the international implications
Freedom born of enslavement is meaningless. Celebrating independence born of blood with the shedding of exponentially more is nothing short of perverse.
It’s time for true freedom for all.
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Now go live vegan, like a real ‘MERICAN, and I’ll see you soon.
— Emily Moran Barwick